Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
asking santa clause for nudes
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
