Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius