today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.