Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.