Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Frog purse.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

I love the honesty

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.