today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.