today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
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“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
These 3D printers are insane!
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”