today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other