Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

Who says great literature is dead?

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship