Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search