Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

181.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐