Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now