today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy