today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.