Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

it is time once again

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse