Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.