Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
There is no “ea” in Tim.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
No one:
London landlords:
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”