Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You Might Also Like
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
getting groceries
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
They grow up so quick
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.