@LuvPug

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

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@QwertyJones3

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

@daemonic3

ME: tonight might be “the night” do you have any advice?

FRIEND: bring protection

[later after sex]

DATE: wow that was amazing

MY BODYGUARD: yeah you guys did great

@DothTheDoth

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

@ojedge

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

@tigersgoroooar

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

@mrjohndarby

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

@cwhudson

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.