Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.