Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Finally

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup