Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
haha same
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*