Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

A friend sent me this.

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

found this cool rock hiking today

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.