Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
181.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
How actors in movies eat their food
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.