Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube