Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]