Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Customer is always right
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)