Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine