Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit