Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet