Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You (normal person, can make small talk): I like your name
Me (awkward af, says stupid shit constantly): thanks it was a birthday present
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office