Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I am yelling
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary