Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

lmao

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter