Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.