Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”