Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.