Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine