Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day