Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Which wines pair best with gloating?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Breaking news:
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?