Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…