Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
#JohnTravolta
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day