Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Erm…
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark