@3sunzzz

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

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@DanaSchwartzzz

Quick question how do I write a novel if you are my editor please don’t read this

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@girl_a_whirl

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

@MollyERA

“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”

@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

@BlueOnBlack72

“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.

*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*

I know this now.

@ArfMeasures

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that