Quick question how do I write a novel if you are my editor please don’t read this
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.
“I’m sorry you’re mad” is NOT a real apology.
*signs ER paperwork from a gurney*
I know this now.
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that