Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
You Might Also Like
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary