Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
wtf is a larm clock?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
