Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!