Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
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Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*