Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
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Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
no exceptions
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
What’s so funny?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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o
o
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.