Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.

*Summer camps have entered the chat.*

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Gods work.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up