Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

These dogs look like they have good credit.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Safety first

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.