Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
synchronized noseblowing
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*