Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.