Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

is this a threat

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

A great first step 😂

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.