Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso