Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

No regrets in 2018

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

As a doctor, I can confirm

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah