Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
How did we decide to go with cockpit?