Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
The funk soul brother
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you