Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger