Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Finally

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”