Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.