Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
You Might Also Like
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.