@MaraWilson
FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?
ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be
@markleggett
Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
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@MaraWilson
@sonictyrant
DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever.
ME: oh no AND today is Saturday
Doctor: please no
Me: say it
Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever.
ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.
@Jardisliketardi
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
@junejuly12
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
@LeBearGirdle
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
@Jay16282
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children
@Quartzjixler
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
@Mr_Role_Model
My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.
@sixfootcandy
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
@StewieTea2
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching