@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

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@MaraWilson

FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?

ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be

@sonictyrant

DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever.

ME: oh no AND today is Saturday

Doctor: please no

Me: say it

Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever.

ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.

@Jardisliketardi

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

@junejuly12

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

@Jay16282

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children

@Quartzjixler

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

@sixfootcandy

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching