Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

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religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay


Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.


The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…



Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.


My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.


Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.


Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years.

“Installing update 1 of 97”


“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Global warming?”
“Racial Equality?”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”