FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room?
ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don’t want to be
Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
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DOCTOR: I’m sorry but You’re not going to live through this fever.
ME: oh no AND today is Saturday
Doctor: please no
Me: say it
Doctor: *sighs* You have Saturday night fever.
ME: Tell my wife that joke. Also that I love her but first that joke.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask them questions.” – all children
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching