@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

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@jessienope

religious? why yes i’m very religious, i’m always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay

@RickAaron

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

@TheBoydP

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

@ClichedOut

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@HollyHeals

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

@Holbornlolz

Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years.

“Installing update 1 of 97”

@ChrChristensen

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”