my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
i spent way too long on this
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Every work call, he judges.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math