Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

estão todos miauvindo?

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?