Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it