Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

mom gave me mine for free

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan