Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines