Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

doing your own taxes

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Banking tips

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?