@vinnycrack

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away

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@truegritrumble

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@david8hughes

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water