@vinnycrack: Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
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@therealeatwood: [Watching Amityville Horror remake from 2005] ME: Don’t buy it! Don’t buy that house! YOU IDIOTS! THE REAL ESTATE MARKET IS ABOUT TO CRASH!
@LeahKnauer: I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.