Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Son: no what lives in the tank