my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy. You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away
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I forgot FB was not Twitter & posted something ultra dirty.
Now I have to avoid my granndma, change my hair color & leave the state.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade level. he’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. give him a second.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out