Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

When someone trying to leave me

Breaking news:

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂