Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.