Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
