Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
