Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
