HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?