Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

This line from Airplane.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today