Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
No, you’re not getting it your honor
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that