Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie