Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.