Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird