@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

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@Chumpstring

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

@nuttywhippet

Places in Japan nowadays have banned some of the traditional Martial Arts,

They have adopted a strictly no Kendo attitude

@TheMichaelRock

If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you’ll be dead soon.

@NakedHangover

If it’s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?

@wildethingy

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

@TakeForGrantd

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@WheelTod

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

@KevinFarzad

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?