@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@McNarstle

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

@tsm560

She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@dadmann_walking

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@Alex_N_Chains

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

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Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

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Only $139.95! Act now!

@ArfMeasures

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy