WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
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Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”
-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
She’s one of a kind. Like an instagram sunset
The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
Only $139.95! Act now!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy