Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
This fish is cracking me up
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I never needed anything more in my life
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”