The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat